man i am tired!!!!!!! and that is an understatement, i feel such constant exhaustion. i know longer want to think, period.

numb

i feel numb, as if everytihng is lying still and i am just watching it in it's frozen state. like if i don't have excitement and rebellion, i don't have happiness. right now i am not making anything happen, lets make something happen!!!!!
i fear nothingness above everything! even conflict would be more satisfying then this feeling, this dreadful feeling.

l&l

My desires for lust and love continue to shadow over one another, although they normally are linked together, having experienced lust without the love makes me even more determined to experience love, love that doesn't need lust continue it's existence. pure connection that doesn't need the satisfaction of sexual gratification to continue it's existence, the only thing it truly will need is the want to be together, and the heart to care for the person no matter what, just for their happiness, sex can just be the bonus and not one of the few things you have in common, as i have sadly experienced before, actually, i retract that statement of sadness when describing my recent experiences for i know now that it has made me realize that lovemaking can be so much more special when you care and love, and that love is so much more fulfilling then lust.

.

just for the record breaking up over im is chicken shit. enough said.

deep breath, keep moving

I lay ,almost lifeless on the couch recalculating my decisions in my mind, whether they be right or wrong, they have brought me to the place i am now, and while it's not too late to start making new decisions, i need a place to begin, a first step if you will, to bring me towards the direction i want to go, whatever direction that may be, all i know is i will be OK, turning a different direction to the path i placed myself on shortly ago.
my opinions of love continue to evolve, spinning like a planet bursting its way out of orbit. my actions reflect those of one who's love is mainly based upon recognition. I NEED TO BE RECOGNIZED. but by creating an image to be loved and cared for i find it makes it harder to truly establish what is deep down and real inside me. i want to banish all negative influences upon myself, so goodbye to those who have pushed me in the wrong direction, i will no longer grace you with my presence. i know that i deserve positive and uplifting people in my life.
excitement took over reason
rebellion took over honesty
and in the end emotions took over everything.
wait? yes.

changes

anti soda pro water
anti tv pro book
anti religion pro freedom
i have decided that i am giving up om religion and just giving myself standards in which i will hold myself to live by in my life, and i will answer to myself. i will not create false ideas of what is expected of me, because i will decide in which ways it is best for me to live, not what others want of me.
respect. love. work.laugh.and dont hold back
those are my laws.

deep breath

so i just want to release a tiny frustration. Mother, even though you may not believe me, you can trust that i can spend the night at a girls house without there being any innapropriate activity please, i am one of the girls when i am with them. its annoying to have to drive home in the middle of night while everyone else stays up talking. i wish you would understand that it would be ok for me to spend the night. you're the only one uncomfortable with it. and above all, it just frustrates me. i feel as though i am being cut short left out on possible fun times.

short

i refuse to give in to my lonely feelings, i am better then that, its ok to have standards. i will not lower my standards just to meet my needs!

random blah blah blah

i know there are parts of me that don't quite feel this way, but there is a big part of me that just wants to grow up and run away, leave whatever life i have created behind. dont get me wrong my life is looking is pretty darn good now but i would love a new setting my story. i think i want to go visit the brewers! quality time with my dad might just be the step back from the day to day life that i would appreciate. dissapointment. that probably could be the word for my tuesday, as i had hopes for possibilities, and just saw them crumble right in front of me, and yes its things such as a failed attempt yesterday that leave me feeling even lower on the confidence scale. i think a nap might cheer me up!

we've never met

i"ve never actually met you, never seen you face to face, and yet i have this silly idea, that you could be so great for me. a great friend. a great flirt. your the person i want to roll my eyes. i want to tell you to shut up and then kiss you for being so fucking adorable. I want to argue with you, i want to yell like i have never yelled before, spitting emotions i have never even dreamed of onto you. and just know thats its "you." that you wont give a damn tomorrow, and you'll just want to cuddle me just as i want to cuddle. we can share those loving moments, you can correct my grammer constantly, while i always have to remind you to be nice. but thats what i want. i want you! i want your cocky son of a bitch attitude. your adorable fohawk, those perfect teeth, and the eyes just to die for.and even now as tears fall from my face i know that i am so far, far away from that possibility, i know that i will have to be patient and just accept that when the time comes friendship will be enough. i have to be happy for you to be happy for myself, and because we have never met that should be easy...

this weekend!

.It started with the skipping of 4th for milkshakes and garden burgers then...friday night dance! what moments of pure excitement. I've never felt better just cutting loose and living it. qoute of the night "i can just tell we're going to end up grinding tonight! back tro alyns house for a extended dance in the field with my car. and then dun dun dun. my car gets stuck in the mud as we try yo escape the horse paster and get me home before havoc is wreaked becasue of my late appearance home. a foot deep in mud as we begin to push, realizing it was going to take some tools to get the job done we begin our journey back up the road to her house, oh at which point i only have one shoe because the other is to mud filled to be of any use. we grab two shovels and hike back down to my car, as we begin digging there still no progress. i must say it does not help that she is scrawny and i am about as strong as a flimsy piece of paper. we are then forced to turn to michael her neighbor who has a four wheeler and a pulley we hike at least half a mile back to his house. at which it is not 2:30 in the morning, we have to be extremely quite so as to not wake his parents. we quietly tap on his window and thankfully get him up without too much effort. hop in his four wheeler(which by the way was a blast to ride.) and finally get to my car try and try as we may its just NOT going to happen. at one point i am sitting on the hood of my car so as to try to get the wheels to touch the ground NOTHING. we give up at about 3 in the morning. i am now forced to call my parents and tell them i need a ride, because its way out of the question for me to just spend the night. next day choir bbq hanging out with everyone. and then chris says to me " me sue and bjorn were driving back from sue car when i see yours in the middle of field and i yell stop and bljorn slams on his break we go see if we can get it out but its no use." so at this point i am forced to wait until micheals father ( bless their souls) can get it out with a bulldozer after he gets off a work. lets just say a day and a half later i get my car back in one piece, plus a lot a mud along the with it. all i have to say is i love those who are in my life right now. you know who you are and you are making my life biggest adventure i could ever go on.

the "L" ache

i feel an ache growing inside me, it's deepening me into a black hole, pushing me lower and lower to unexistance. at the same time i see no actions that i could possibly take to ease my frustations, everything thing feels like a forced action of happiness, well you can only force it upon yourself for so long before what you're truly feelings seeps out of you like an overflowing volcano. so yes, i am lost, yes i once again find myself wanting something i cant have and no i see no fucking way to release and relieve any of this.

body language

so.... sometimes my biggest weakness, can also be my most frustrating one, that i would i say is reading people. i am so horrible at being able to tell what someone is actual thinking, if they actual care, or if they're just silently saying to themselves "leave me alone creepo." In other words i dont take subtle hints if you feel or think something that you think i should be aware of, just be upfront with me chances are i may not figure it out otherwise.

deserted or adapt

For as many social insecurities i have, and the constant need to not be seen alone in public, i truly enjoy spending time with myself and only myself. As comfortable as i am around certain friends, i still feel this certain need to be "something" when with them, whether that be clever funny, intellegent, etc etc. And you know sometimes i dont want to be those things.
I always feel like i am two steps away from everyone, like there is a level of connection but it only goes so far, and to be frank thats not very far. i have always prided myself on my own individuality but has that caused me to be unconnected. i dont think adapting myself would be worth making a stronger connection i think iwould rather stay more on the deserted side and keep my true self than change to find connection but thats just me.

welcome to chaos!

Being a teenager, god why do they even call it "teenager"? they should just call it hell on wheels, because thats what it is. now before you stop reading because you have found yet another person complaining about their lifes, i urge you to stop because that is not what i am here to do.
I am only say that out of decades of life i am going to garauntee you that this one shall be the most confusing, AWKWARD, superficial decade of anyones life.
I am a 17 boy. have you wished that you could change a relationship, but you dont know how to? especially when the other half feels like a closed book only capable of discussing matters of fact and praise involving himself. it's my father i speak of. i so very much want something more of our relationship, but we feel like to completely differently people unable to relate on any level besides my sister and possibly cousins life decisions, view him as the high school jock. view me the akward flamboyant high school gay boy. now force those two to communicate and get along like father and son