the "L" ache

i feel an ache growing inside me, it's deepening me into a black hole, pushing me lower and lower to unexistance. at the same time i see no actions that i could possibly take to ease my frustations, everything thing feels like a forced action of happiness, well you can only force it upon yourself for so long before what you're truly feelings seeps out of you like an overflowing volcano. so yes, i am lost, yes i once again find myself wanting something i cant have and no i see no fucking way to release and relieve any of this.

body language

so.... sometimes my biggest weakness, can also be my most frustrating one, that i would i say is reading people. i am so horrible at being able to tell what someone is actual thinking, if they actual care, or if they're just silently saying to themselves "leave me alone creepo." In other words i dont take subtle hints if you feel or think something that you think i should be aware of, just be upfront with me chances are i may not figure it out otherwise.

deserted or adapt

For as many social insecurities i have, and the constant need to not be seen alone in public, i truly enjoy spending time with myself and only myself. As comfortable as i am around certain friends, i still feel this certain need to be "something" when with them, whether that be clever funny, intellegent, etc etc. And you know sometimes i dont want to be those things.
I always feel like i am two steps away from everyone, like there is a level of connection but it only goes so far, and to be frank thats not very far. i have always prided myself on my own individuality but has that caused me to be unconnected. i dont think adapting myself would be worth making a stronger connection i think iwould rather stay more on the deserted side and keep my true self than change to find connection but thats just me.

welcome to chaos!

Being a teenager, god why do they even call it "teenager"? they should just call it hell on wheels, because thats what it is. now before you stop reading because you have found yet another person complaining about their lifes, i urge you to stop because that is not what i am here to do.
I am only say that out of decades of life i am going to garauntee you that this one shall be the most confusing, AWKWARD, superficial decade of anyones life.
I am a 17 boy. have you wished that you could change a relationship, but you dont know how to? especially when the other half feels like a closed book only capable of discussing matters of fact and praise involving himself. it's my father i speak of. i so very much want something more of our relationship, but we feel like to completely differently people unable to relate on any level besides my sister and possibly cousins life decisions, view him as the high school jock. view me the akward flamboyant high school gay boy. now force those two to communicate and get along like father and son