numb

i feel numb, as if everytihng is lying still and i am just watching it in it's frozen state. like if i don't have excitement and rebellion, i don't have happiness. right now i am not making anything happen, lets make something happen!!!!!
i fear nothingness above everything! even conflict would be more satisfying then this feeling, this dreadful feeling.

l&l

My desires for lust and love continue to shadow over one another, although they normally are linked together, having experienced lust without the love makes me even more determined to experience love, love that doesn't need lust continue it's existence. pure connection that doesn't need the satisfaction of sexual gratification to continue it's existence, the only thing it truly will need is the want to be together, and the heart to care for the person no matter what, just for their happiness, sex can just be the bonus and not one of the few things you have in common, as i have sadly experienced before, actually, i retract that statement of sadness when describing my recent experiences for i know now that it has made me realize that lovemaking can be so much more special when you care and love, and that love is so much more fulfilling then lust.